My mate’s shagging a pair of twins. I said “How do you tell them apart?” He said “It’s easy – Julie’s got long blonde hair and Derek’s got a moustache.”
Top Tips
COOKING: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
DRINKERS: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by Australia Post.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
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Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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An Engineer’s Guide To Weight Loss
This is a funny, easy to understand guide to losing weight 
Go Easy On The Drinking
When I go out on a Friday night to have a few beers, it’s not hard for me to consume 800 calories worth of booze. Yes, liquor helps to numb the pain of writing XML parsers all day, but it comes at an expense. To compensate, take up smoking. I smoke more cigars now: it’s a good zero-calorie alternative.
Drink More Coffee
Caffeine is an appetite suppressant. In large enough quantities, it can be used as an amphetamine. Drink up.
If you’re going to pussyfoot around and work out for 30 minutes in your “fatburn” zone three times a week, don’t even bother. You’re just wasting your time. One hour per day, hard. You should be close to vomiting by the end of that hour.
Easy, huh. Stop eating so damn much and get off your fat lazy ass.
Friday Afternoon Joke
Fred staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Fred sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them on as best he could each place he saw blood.
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A Message from John Cleese to the Citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
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Tale Of A BMW Driver
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn’t Believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway (the driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)!
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Extracts from a recent medical interview.
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
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Funny Christmas Joke
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand!
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.
He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
“Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked. The boy said, “I did.” “And nobody came to help you?” I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. “How loudly did you scream?” I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me!”
I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.